I know depression. I don’t talk about it much, but I’m finding the need to be more vocal about it.
I know the deep dark places of my mind. I know what it is to walk to that place and not know if you’re going to come back from it, or if you even want to come back from it. There is a very good reason that I don’t allow strong pain medication in my house.
I know what it is to want to scream and shout and cry (the ugly cry that is), and all the while, you also feel like you have to pretend that everything is really okay, and that you have that “happy” face on. My least favorite conversation in the world starts with “Hi, how are you?”
I think the first time I was clinically depressed, I was suffering from post partum depression. But it lingered. Through the years, I have learned the value of a good counselor to talk to, and the importance of recognizing that I don’t feel “right.” I know there are pills out there that can help, but at the same time, I don’t want to take them.
God doesn’t always feel “happy go lucky.” Scientists have tried to explain the darkness at the crucifixion of Jesus as an eclipse, but I think it’s much more simple than that. God had to turn away from His beloved Son, and it hurt Him.
It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. Luke 23:44-45 NIV
It may not seem like it, but it does get better. It’s not an overnight process. My PPD was almost 16 years ago, and I still have moments of extreme overwhelming sadness. But it does get better. I no longer live in that sadness.
I’m saying all of this to come back to a point. God loves you. He cares for you. He knows when you are hurting, and He wants to comfort you. Please find that comfort in whatever form you need, if it is a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, or simply a friend that you can sit and be silent with. God is with you, and He will walk that dark path with you if you simply let Him.
P.S. And I’m here for you, too.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; Psalm 23:4 NIV
[ETA – I remembered that I had painted a picture that explains how I felt at one of my worst times.]